


Last Memory

by youwishpreppy



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 17:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16815151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwishpreppy/pseuds/youwishpreppy
Summary: I still have hope that Joaquin just faked his death. But dead or not dead, it's not ok what the Riverdale writers did. Please let them know, that we won't just accept this.





	Last Memory

Joaquin had imagined how dying would feel like several times and each time had been different.  
  
The first time had been when Joaquin got dragged into the Blossom case. He had been terrified, almost sure that he would be the next one to get killed because he knew too much. He had nightmares about it all the time. He expected his death to be a gunshot to the head, just like it had been for the Blossom boy. Joaquin imagined it to be a cruel death. He could picture the fear when someone was pointing a gun at you. The seconds dragging along almost unbearable. But at least the death itself would be fast and painless, and that was a little solace.  
  
Then Joaquin had sat on a bus to San Junipero. He cried the whole drive, scared that they would come after him and haul him into jail for decades, and most of all he was heartbroken because he had to leave Kevin behind. Kevin had been so disappointed in him when he found out what Joaquin had been keeping from him. That was the worst of it all. And Joaquin had thought about putting an end to his life. Everything seemed pointless, and he was overwhelmed by guilt. Maybe it was best to end it all. The thought had terrified him. He had always been an optimistic person who tried to see the good in everything. But he was down at his worst at that moment. He had pictured a death, which would have been gentle. An end to his pain. But he knew deep down that he would never go through with it.  
  
The next time was in juvie, in the fighting pit. Joaquin had been weak and injured from his last fight, and his opponent was much stronger than he was. He stood no chance, and he knew it. He took blow after blow and heard the crowd cheering, almost ecstatic in their lust for blood. He realized that he wasn’t supposed to survive this fight. It scared him that this would be how his life would end, such a painful way to die. His whole body hurt from all the punches and kicks, and he caught himself thinking that he just wanted it to be over quick, just feel nothing at all.  
  
It was sad he thought, that someone that young had already thought about death so much. And now he was lying on the forest ground, pine needles digging into his back, once more thinking that death would get him. But this time it was different. This time Joaquin knew for certain that there was no hope, no way out. This time it would really happen.   
  
He had been lying here for a while, not able to get up anymore, the poison spreading through his veins slowly, making him weak. He stared up at the trees and the clouds above him. There was no sound besides his heavy breathing and some birds chirping in the trees. It was strangely peaceful to lie here. But that didn’t mean it was a peaceful death. There was a storm raging inside Joaquin. A mixture of so many emotions. Desperation, fear, anger, a deep sadness. He was crying silently, tears streaming down his face, and he was shaking, maybe from the poison or maybe just from fear.  
  
He saw scenes of his life playing before his mind’s eyes. The most treasured memories. There weren’t a lot though. He saw his mom smiling at him, heard Mr. Topaz telling him stories in his soothing voice. Next were Toni, Fangs and Sweet Pea, back when they were all still friends, jumping into the lake and splashing water at each other. 

And then there was Kevin. Those were Joaquin’s happiest memories. Kevin looking at him with so much love in his eyes. Kevin holding his hand and smiling. Kevin dancing with him at Homecoming. Kevin kissing him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin… Yes, that was the last thing Joaquin wanted to think about before he died. Only Kevin.  
  
He tried to focus on that. He needed to remember every little moment he had with his Preppy. For a split second, he panicked, afraid that he would lose conscience before his mind could replay his time spent with Kevin.   
  
But then he managed to calm down, already thinking about their first eye contact at the drive-in. Looking into those eyes for the first time and thinking that this preppy boy looked really damn cute. Finding out later that night that those eyes were green and so beautiful that Joaquin couldn’t stop staring into them when he wasn’t busy kissing those soft lips.   
  
He remembered their whole story, saw the pictures in his mind, like watching a movie. But he didn’t just see those scenes of them, he also felt what he had felt back then. The warmth and the hope Kevin had gifted him with, that wonderful feeling of being loved, of being worth something.  
  
It was comforting thinking about Kevin. But at the same time, it caused Joaquin to try to sit up, one last fight he put up, though it was a hopeless attempt. He didn’t want to die. It wasn’t fair! He wanted to see Kevin again, he wanted a second chance with him!  
  
He thought of all the things he still wanted to experience with Kevin. He saw pictures of them a few years older, living together, saw Kevin walking down the aisle on his dad’s arm smiling at Joaquin with happy tears in his eyes, saw Kevin cuddling a toddler, who reached out an arm towards Joaquin saying “Daddy.”   
  
Joaquin felt betrayed. He would never get a second chance with Kevin, would never be able to make those dreams come true. And now regrets came creeping up on him. And there were a lot of them.   
  
He regretted not telling Kevin the truth. He regretted spying on his dad. Regretted leaving town. What if he had stayed? He could have hidden here in the woods maybe, and Kevin could have still come to visit him.   
  
He regretted not returning to Riverdale sooner. Perhaps he could have gotten back together with Kevin. And Joaquin would have been safe in Kevin’s room, making out with him on his bed, during riot night and he would have never gotten hauled into juvie, would have never gotten dragged into this G&G mess.   
  
He regretted stabbing Archie. He knew he had no choice. It was his life or Archie’s, and he already knew that Archie would die anyways..but he still regretted it.   
  
He regretted running away when he had met Kevin so unexpectedly during his escape from juvie. What if he had stayed with Kevin? Would Kevin have been able to help him? He regretted not running over to Kevin and hug him one last time.  
  
But his biggest regret was never telling Kevin how much he loved him.   
  
More tears welled up in his eyes. Joaquin had wanted to tell him, but it hadn’t been the right time. How could he confess his feelings when he was still keeping all those secrets from his boyfriend? It hadn’t seemed fair. Joaquin had wanted to wait until he could come clear to Kevin about the Blossom case. He had already planned it. But of course things had gone differently, and he never got his chance to tell Kevin the truth or how he felt.  
  
Joaquin’s vision became blurry, a black fog creeping slowly across his eyes, the forest around him disappearing bit by bit and a strange calm settled over everything. So close…it was almost over. Joaquin knew that these were his last moments and he accepted it.  
  
But there was one thing left, he had to do. He hadn’t been able to say it to Kevin’s face, but at least he could say it out loud once in his life. And so Joaquin whispered with his last breath:   
  
“I love you, Preppy.”  
  
Kevin would never hear it, but the forest around him did. And maybe a faint echo of this would always linger here. Maybe one day Kevin would take a walk in the woods and stand at this exact spot and suddenly remember Joaquin, and feel as if he was here with him. It was a comforting thought, and it was the last thing Joaquin thought of as he finally let go, Kevin’s face the last memory his mind conjured up.

**Author's Note:**

> I still have hope that Joaquin just faked his death. But dead or not dead, it's not ok what the Riverdale writers did. Please let them know, that we won't just accept this.


End file.
